New B of A Chief
Bank of America has tapped insider Brian Moynihan as its new CEO. Moynihan barely beat out the bank's next most trusted employee, which was the ATM at the branch in Fairlawn, New Jersey.

Moynihan's main job will be settling Bank of America's finances, which mostly involves torching most of the branches in an elaborate insurance scam.



Henry Accident
Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry has suffered "life-threatening injuries" after falling out of a pickup truck during a fight with his fiancee. Thousands of people who have Henry on their fantasy teams are holding a virtual candlelight vigil at their laptops.


Henry Accident II
Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry has suffered "life-threatening injuries" after falling out of a pickup truck during a fight with his fiancee. Henry's biggest mistake was taking relationship and driving lessons from Tiger Woods.



Coburn Delay
Republican Senator Tom Coburn has delayed the health care debate by insisting that a 767-page mega-amendment be read out loud in its entirety. This could stall the vote for weeks as they try to find someone in the Senate who knows how to read.



Greek Debt
Greece's debt crisis is getting worse. Last night I ordered a Gyro at a diner in Manhattan and all I got was an I.O.U.



Voting on Ben
A Senate committee is set to vote today on whether to give Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke another term in office. Senators can make their choices by voice vote or by texting "We're screwed!" to 12,000,000,000,000-DEBT.




December 17th


1531: Pope Clement VII establishes a parallel Inquisition in Lisbon, Portugal. The franchise features the wildly popular "Unhappy Meal."


1538: Pope Paul III excommunicates Henry VIII of England. That's what happens when you swipe the Pope's turkey leg.


1969: Project Blue Book: The United States Air Force closes its study of UFOs, and concludes it was all the result of a bad acid trip.