Volcano Hostages
The Iceland volcano is still stranding thousands of airline passengers across Europe. Since it is Europe, most of the people sleeping in the airports are already collecting welfare.



Pot Explosion
Medical marijuana is booming in Colorado. There are now 250 medical pot dispensaries in the state, but 240 are in the Denver Nuggets locker room.



Goldman Profits
Goldman Sachs made $3.5 billion in profits for the first 12 weeks of this year. The firm would have made more, but they ran out of money bags at the Federal Reserve.



Boston Marathon Winner
Robert Cheruiyot won the Boston Marathon yesterday, posting an incredible time of 2 hours, 5 minutes. Cheruiyot says he was able to run so fast because he just kept imagining he was being chased by an out-of-control Toyota.



Iran Missiles
A new report says Iran could develop and test a missile capable of hitting America within 5 years. The Obama Administration plans to do nothing about it, as long as the missile is aimed at Wall Street.





April 20th


1534: Jacques Cartier begins the voyage during which he discovers Canada, Labrador, and a bunch of idiots willing to spend tons of money on jewelry with his name on it.


1657: Freedom of religion is granted to the Jews of New York... a great relief to all the Jews in the city who had been masquerading as Puerto Ricans.


1916: The Chicago Cubs play their first game at Wrigley Field, defeating the Cincinnati Reds 7-6 in 11 innings. The Cubs are still looking for their second win at Wrigley Field.