Heat Wave
It's so hot in New York that all our Russian spies are begging to be reassigned to Siberia.



LeBron Special
LeBron James will tell the country which team he'll play for during a one-hour primetime special on ESPN tomorrow night. The future of the nation's best tatoo artists hangs in the balance.



James Effect
The LeBron James story is inspiring many other athletes to make the most of the free agent market... and it's inspiring President Obama to announce the cities chosenf for each new stimulus project with live primetime specials on ESPN.



BP Runs to our Enemies
BP CEO Tony Hayward is in talks with Abu Dhabi to get more cash for the troubled oil company. It's all part of a new Arab strategy; who needs terrorists when they can just buy oil companies that destroy our economy and environment in one shot?



Arizona Case
The Justice Department has sued Arizona in hopes of striking down its new illegal immigration law... otherwise known as a stimulus plan for unemployed lawyers.




July 7th



1456: A retrial verdict acquits Joan of Arc of heresy 25 years after her death. Her family is awarded two free cafe au laits in compensatory damages.


1543: French troops invade Luxembourg... they run out room after the second platoon crosses the border.


2006: The Western Black Rhinoceros is declared extinct due to poaching and a lack of decent places for Rhinos to make out.