New Pay Record
Wall Street pay will break an all-tme record $144 billion this year, but it's not clear if the executives will use the money to create new jobs or for bail.



Road Stimulus
President Obama says his latest $50 billion infrastructure stimulus will create thousands of "middle class jobs"... mostly psychiatrists who will need to treat millions of Americans driven insane by being stuck in road construction traffic.



Alien Planet
An Australian scientist says a newly discovered planet may be sending messages to Earth. Experts believe the messages have something to do with asking whether the planet is too far away to qualify for the “30 minute delivery or it’s free” guarantee at Domino’s Pizza.


Greenie Demand
Environmentalists in California want utility companies to pay to connect homeowners with solar panels to the state's power grid. The rest of America would like someone to pay to connect Californians to the real world.



GOP Sweep?
The latest projections are for the GOP to pick up 47 House seats, 9 Senate seats, and 300,000 tea party candidates who need a background check.




October 12th


1216: King John of England loses his crown jewels… he should have worn a cup.


1970: President Richard Nixon announces that the United States will withdraw 40,000 more troops from Vietnam. America’s leading college students prepare to spit on them.


1986: Queen Elizabeth visits China… where she is immediately pirated and sold back to England for $19.95