Jobs Report
The Janurary jobs report due out today is expected to be dismal... mostly because Tiger Woods has had to lay off all his mistresses.



Looking for Work
Millions of Americans are getting desperate to find work. Some are doing odd jobs, some are working at Starbucks, and the rest are just getting ready to sue Toyota.



Army Birth Control
The Army is now making the "morning after" pill available at each of its bases and hospitals worldwide. It's all part of the Army's new marketing campaign to high school kids: "enlist for the sex, stay for the free birth control!"



Toyota Apology
The president of Toyota has just sincerely apologized for mistakes that led to many unnecessary deaths... but enough about Pearl Harbor.




Fat Study
A new study shows that 20% of all people will not lose any weight no matter how much they exercise. I'm hoping this story gets out there so I can stop having to look at the daily horror show at my gym's locker room.





February 5th


1576: Henry of Navarre converts to Roman Catholicism in order to ensure his right to the throne of France... and Notre Dame football season tickets.


1818: Jean-Baptiste Bernadotte ascends to the thrones of Sweden and Norway... but misses the triple crown by not leading the league in RBI's.


1972: Bob Douglas becomes the first African American elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame. Yes, even the Basketball Hall of Fame was "Whites Only" until 1972. That makes a lot of sense.